I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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