so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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