My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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