Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I accidentally burped into my bong.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
