i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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