What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
