So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize