i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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