I need help removing her.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
