Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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