Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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