You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
