So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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