He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
you traded sex for a burrito?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
