can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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