One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
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