so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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