My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
