my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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