I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
