i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Welp...herpes.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
