So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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