Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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