I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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