If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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