I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
