That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
