I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
