Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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