What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
