I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
