I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
