I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
