Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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