So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
