Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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