Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize