i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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