Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
