My sheets look like a crime scene.
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
