he shaved USA in his pubs
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
