I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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