Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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