Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Randomize
