Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
