It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
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