my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize