even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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