The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize