I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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