Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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