if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
