A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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