Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
