Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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