Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
