I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
