from now on my penis is your penis
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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