I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
