chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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