i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize