i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
