i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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