I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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